Pumpkin patch and less happy things

Yesterday, my mom and I took the kids to a pumpkin patch nearby after church. The weather was perfect--sunny and upper 60s--and the kids were excited! They had a wonderful time. We went on a horse pulled trailer ride through the woods (definitely my favorite part), ate kettle corn, played in a giant haypile, fed hungry goats, admired hens (and a turkey), marvelled at the pumpkins, ate kettle corn, and pet the softest little baby sheep.

While I certainly had a great time, it was bitter sweet. Matt's FAVORITE fall activity is going to the pumpkin patch. I'm so sad that he is halfway around the world and missing it. Speaking of Matt, he's doing okay. He's had a total of 6 hours of (broken) sleep in the last 60 hours. Poor guy is exhausted. He's also at a location (for the next week or so) that's fairly unstable with frequent rockets being launched there. Bummer.

Continuing with the tone I've now set...Colton is starting to express that he's missing Matt. When I put him to bed the last several nights, he asks me just before I leave the room, "Mommy, is everything fine?" He has never done this before. Then, this morning, he didn't want to go to preschool. In fact, he was in tears over it. This is very unusual because he loves preschool. He said he just wanted to stay with me. I convinced him to go and on the way to school he said, "I miss Daddy. Will he come back home to play with me?" I told him that yes Daddy would be back home to play with him, but not for a while. I hate seeing my kids sad. I can't fix it.

There's more on my mind, but I wouldn't even know where to begin. What I will say, though, is that other events have made me miss Matt even more because we usually face things like the situation I've found myself in together. Instead, I'm left to figure it out on my own. It's lonely.

Hopefully, I'll be in better spirits with my next update!

Adoption update

As you may or may not know, we are in the process of adopting from South Korea. We started the process a little over a year ago and are still waiting for a referral for a child. Our homestudy was completed last November and we were expecting to be matched with a child by December or January (there were a great number of little boys coming into care at that point so referrals were coming fast and furious). Well, our agency called us a few days after our homestudy was completed and informed us that they weren't going to send our homestudy to Korea to be matched with a child afterall. Instead, they decided to place us on hold until the following May on Adelyn's first birthday. The reason? They were concerned about there not being a big enough age difference between Adelyn and the child we would adopt. Bummer. But understandable. But frustrating. Anyway...

May rolled around. Addy turned one (yay!). We were thrilled and I called our agency to confirm that we were taken off hold. They said yes! And to expect a referral within one or two months. Double yay! Then they called a few weeks later and informed us that they weren't comfortable giving us a referral yet due to the age difference between Addy and the child we would adopt. I was less than pleased.

Shortly after that (and a few *inquisitive* phone calls placed by your truly), I was told that they are comfortable with an age difference of at least 8 months between Adelyn and the baby. So, that meant he had to be born in January of 2011. Here's the point of this long synopsis...I called our agency yesterday to touch base and to ask them the birthday of their most recent child who came into care. Their answer? January 2011! That means that all children coming into the agency's care from this point on are old enough to be placed in our family. So, we should be matched with a child soon!

To celebtrate my encouraging chat with the powers that be at our agency, I had a lovely dinner provided by Trader Joe's last night: a spicy bibimbap rice bowl. No, I didn't make a Korean meal from scratch. I microwaved it. My husband is deployed. Don't judge me. Oh, you weren't? Okay, let's carry on then. Eating Korean food makes me feel connected to our future son.

Along those lines, maybe I should eat some Afghani food for dinner to feel connected to Matt. What do they eat over there? Any ideas? I only know it's definitely not pork.

Things haven't exactly been smooth sailing in this process. We've gotten our hopes up only to have them dashed. BUT. God is in control. He knows exactly who our son is. He has always known. And hopefully soon, we will know too. And that's enough for me.

Bring it on!

Matt surprised me by sending me my favorite flowers today--tulips! So thoughtful. And he even posed with me in the picture. See? On the fridge?

James 1:2-4, 12 says Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face tirals of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. This trial of deployment is part of God's perfect plan to test my faith, bringing about spiritual maturity. I will embrace this opportunity to be transformed more closely to the likeness of Christ. He is my rock my fortress, my strong tower, my comfort, my sheild, my God, my Father, my Savior, my helper and my very life. I don't want to "waste" my suffering by wallowing in pain and self pity rather than letting Him transform my character in this trial. I will fix my eyes upon Him, the Alpha and Omega, the One and Only. Bring on Afghanistan!

The fog is lifting

Matt left a few days ago. We loaded up the kids (and the dog) early in the morning and headed to the airport. A short 30 minutes later, he hugged the kids one last time while I put his duffel bag on the curb. Then he gave me a kiss and a hug, told me he loved me, and he was off. It seemed anticlimactic in some way. It was so simple--just dropping him off at the airport. But the impact would be much greater. For the first hour or so, I was okay. Sad, but okay. I dropped Colton off at preschool and then headed home with the girls (and the dog, although I wish I could've sent him to Afghanistan as well...). Anyhow, as soon as I walked through the door, I completely.broke.down. We're talking an UGLY cry, near hyperventilation, sobbing here. It wasn't pretty. And it took me completely off guard. I was a giant mess.

The first night was so hard. The gravity of the situation--sending my husband off to war--hit me. The fact that I wouldn't see him again for quite a while was sinking in. I've cried a lot the past few days, but it's getting easier. The fog is starting to lift (and I hope it takes all this rain we've had since Matt left with it...ugh). I can imagine getting through it and getting through it well. I can wrap my head around being content with phone calls and email until Matt returns safely home. I will rise to the challenge. My God will not forsake me, Matt, or our children (who are all grieving in subtle ways) while we are apart.

Basically, this is me saying that it will be okay. I'm saying this as much to convince myself as anything. Truly though, it WILL be okay. One day at a time. And we're already two days closer to him coming back home. So that's worth something, right? RIGHT???

I also want to say THANK YOU to everyone that has called, facebooked (is that word?) and been supportive in various ways. It means the world to me (and Matt).

Deployment Eve

Oh happy day. It's deployment eve! That can only mean one thing. Tomorrow is Deployment Day. That was my pathetic attempt to build it up as if it's an exciting holiday. It isn't. And it didn't work. So I'll just move on...

Today was our last day together as a family until Matt comes home next year. I have a terrible memory, so I want to make sure I have an account of how we spent our day together. It was wonderful. And sad. Bittersweet in a way I haven't experience before. I loved today and hated it all at once. I laughed a lot. And I cried a lot. And I want the day to be over. And I don't want it to ever end. Make sense? After getting up, Matt gave Natalie and Colton a bath. Then we headed out. First we dropped off our recycling. Then we headed on post for a playgroup. The kids had a great time and Matt and I played a little basketball while they kids were playing happily (the playgroup was in a gym). Afterwards, we headed to the dental clinic for Matt to say goodbye to his coworkers and to officially sign out of the clinic. Then we headed to Walmart to pick up a few last minute items for him. By then, it was lunchtime. We came home and fed the kids lunch and put them all down for naps. While they napped, Matt and I finished packing all his things. When they woke up, Matt gave Addy a bath and then we sat them down and reminded them that Daddy would be leaving in the morning. Then, we have them their Daddy Dolls, which were a HUGE hit. They all love them. They're dolls that have a picture of Matt on the front and he recorded a personal message inside each one that they can hear anytime they want. Then he showed them the recorder where he has recorded 4o books aloud. Each night he's gone, they can still have Daddy read their bedtime story. They were so happy to know that! We played outside for a little while after that and then decided to head to Chick Fil A for dinner. The kids played in the play area, ate some chicken nuggets, and a good time was had by all. We headed home and Matt was kind of enough to gas up my van for me. When we got home, we got the kids in their jammies and Matt read them stories on the couch while they held their Daddy Dolls. Now he's laying in bed with Natalie (Colton is next) putting them to bed and spending some individual time with the older two one last time. Phew!

I feel SO lonely already and he hasn't even left yet. This is an absolutely awful feeling. Lord help me.

Fun Day at the Farm

Walking along the path


Swinging on the swings

Having fun

Making memories

Befriending goats

Feeding goats milk in bottles (this was hilarious)

Riding tractors

There is a local farm made for kids that we love to visit. There are pony rides, a pond to fish in, goats to feed, cows to be milked, hay rides, a general store, an old bank, several playgrounds, an ice cream shop, and lots of farm animals to admire. It's a great place to visit with small children. We've enjoyed going many times the last 5 years or so that we've been in the area. Anyhow, Matt has taken a few weeks of leave before he heads to Afghanistan. We've been blessed to spend so much time together with the kids the past several weeks doing fun things like this.

Verses I'm praying over

This post is mostly for me so that I can look at these verses and cling to their promises. These are verses that are on my heart this week and I want to keep reminding myself of. Of course, God's word is sharper than any double edged sword. His Word is alive, so feel free to read these verses as well. They're for you, too!

The Lord is with me. I will not be afraid. What can man to do me? The Lord is with me; he is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies. Psalm 118:6-7 I will not be afraid Lord Jesus. Countless times I have read in scripture, "do not be afraid," "fear not" and the like. That's no mistake. You have not given me a spirit of timidity, but a spirit (THE spirit) of power, of love, and of self-discipline. There is nothing to fear in this world because you have overcome this world.

Come near to God and he will come near to you. James 4:8 I long to feel your presence all around me Lord. Comfort me in my loneliness. I will call upon your name Father. I will come near to you by submitting to you and your will and by humbly coming before your throne. Your presence is my very life. You uphold me.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Lord, I need this reminder. I have much to be joyful about ALWAYS. The joy of your salvation is a reason for never ending joy. My hope and eternity are secure in you first and foremost. Lord, I desire to pray continually--to be in constant fellowship with you. I desire to walk alongside you each and everday. I WILL give thanks in my circumstances because your plan is a good plan. Your plan is designed to give me a hope and a future. Lord, help me to focus on you and be thankful when my circumstances are challenging. Give me an undivided heart focused on you and you alone!

Amen!

All consuming fire

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire. Hebrews 12:28

Lord, consume me! Consume my life: my thoughts, my words, my actions, my service, my worship, my heart. I praise you today for your strength, holiness, power, wisdom, grace, mercy, truth, love, justice, and the gift of your salvation. Without you and apart from you, I am nothing and headed nowhere. With you I find strength, purpose, and rest. I will place my hope, confidence, and trust in you alone because you will not be shaken. My future with you is sure. My circumstances will not control my heart. You alone are my refuge and strength, my ever present help in times of trouble. You are with my always. You are my fortress. Amen!

School

We started our school year at home back in July. Natalie has been plugging along in first grade very nicely and this week will mark the end of week number nine of our shcool year (there are thirty four weeks in the school year). We're off to a great start. She's so motivated to learn that it makes my job pretty easy!

This year, however, the kids are participating in other schools (outside of our home) as well. Natalie is attending an Academy specifically for Christian homeschoolers in the area. She will go once per week (Tuesdays) every week from September to May. Yesterday was her first day. She was SO excited that she was literally running in circles in my parents' living room before school (my mom took her to school since it's an hour away from our house here and only about 10 minutes from my parents' house). When we picked her up yesterday, her teacher told us that she asked if she could stay longer. However, I think it's good that the school day was over because she was EXHAUSTED. She's not used to being away from home all day. She had a wonderful time at school though and is already very much looking forward to going back next week.


Another new addition to our routine this year is Colton attending preschool at our church three mornings a week. With Matt's deployment and Colton's active, curious nature, we thought this would be a great year to have Colton try out preschool (just to clarify, school will be back at home once kindergarten starts). He started at the end of August and it was love at first sight. He comes home singing songs, telling me what snack he ate at school, what he learned about, and telling me all about playing superheroes with two of his preschool buddies during recess time.

I think this is going to be a great school year!

Roadtrip

Love.



Love.

See the frog?

Sweet Addy looked like this a lot of the weekend. A three hour ER visit upon returning home revealed the culprit: a nasty sinus infection. Baby is now full of antibiotics and sleeping peacefully in her own bed. Sweet dreams Addy Bean!

Natalie and Grandpa on Grandpa's giant tractor!

Colton preparing for his tractor ride.

You can just tell how relaxed Natalie is when it comes to handling bugs. Just look at that face. :-)

This little man loved exploring and finding critters!

Natalie and Grandma.

Exploring the hay barn.

Colton adores this hammock...and his daddy.

Matt's dad...aka Grandpa.

Beautiful land.

This weekend, we traveled down to the country to visit Matt's dad. After five (or was it 6?) hours of driving (with three kids and a miniature schnauzer) we made it! The kids had a blast at Grandpa and Grandma's house going on long tractor rides with grandpa, walking on dirt roads, enjoying homemade waffles and bacon for breakfast (thanks Rebecca!), calling the cows and trying to feed them grass, swinging in the hammock, throwing grasshoppers in a garden spider's web and watching him wrap them up (very interesting), observing a tree frog, helping Grandpa get the giant caterpillars out of Grandma's tomato plants, walking in the rain, reading stories, and exploring the hay barn. I loved watching the kids enjoy life in the country, enjoy its simple pleasures, and reveling in spending time with their grandparents. Watching their little faces light up when Grandpa announced that it was time for tractor rides and seeing their delight when they spied a giant garden spider just outside the front windown on the porch spinning a web was so much fun.

One of the best parts of the weekend, though, was the fact that we didn't have cell phone access, didn't watch TV, and didn't check email the entire time we were there. It was so nice to get away and simpy be. We enjoyed good food, good company, and the beauty of God's creation. It was such a wonderful reminder to me that while I love the modern convenience of my cell phone and being able to get on the internet to check my email, blog, and update my facebook status, it's completely unnecessary. And to tell you thr truth, I really didn't miss it. That's not to say I'll be disconnecting my internet or cancelling my cell phone plan anytime soon, but it was a refreshing reprieve.

We're back home now and the house is quiet. The kids are tucked in their beds and Matt is reading on the couch. Think I'll join him! I'm going to miss him SO much.